- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
- Don't lick the spoon.
- When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
- Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
- Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
Chemists do it:
- .. on the table, periodically.
- .. with models.
- .. in an excited state.
- .. in test tubes.
- .. in long chains.
- .. with clamps.
- .. explosively.
Question and Answer
- Where does Mercury come from?
- Hg Wells
- What's a hug without you?
- What do you do with a sick chemist?
- If you can't Helium, and you can't Curium, then you might as well Barium.
- Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
- Have you want to hear the joke about Nitric Oxide?
- Have you heard about hexanitrosobenzene - the new oral contraceptive?
- It has "NO" in all six positions.
- Why did Helium cry?
- Because his family's Argon
- H20 is common water but what is H204?
- You can drink it, bath in it, do your washing in it, swim in it, etc.
- What's the formula for Holy Water?
- What's the common name for CH2O?
- What's the common name for the chemical formula HIJKLMNO?
- Water or H2O
- What's the common name for Ba(Na)2
- Why are chemists so super optimistic?
- To them the glass is always half full of liquid PLUS half full of gas
- Why are chemists the best problem solvers?
- They have all the solutions
- Why are white bears more soluble than brown bears?
- Because white bears are polar.
- What haunts the labs on the 31st of October?
- Methylated Spirits.
- Why should you never trust an atom?
- They make everything up
- What's the charge for throwing Sodium Chloride at somebody?
- It's a salt
- What's Robin's favourite element?
- Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Batman, Batman
- How can you spot a chemist in the restroom?
- They wash their hands before they go.
- Why do chemists use nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.
- What do you pay a policeman working the night shift?
- Copper Nitrate
- What do corrupt policemen charge prostitutes?
- Copper Tartrate
- What the only thing that an upper class, British, subatomic duck can say?
- What do German chemists do with dirty flasks
- They put them in the Zinc
It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue
- Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile, 1992
A tidy laboratory means a lazy chemist
- Jöns Jacob Berzelius (Swedish chemist, 1779-1848)
Slightly bigger chemistry jokes
A u, get outta here!
Helium doesn't react.
Geff - this is a chemistry bar so you have to order drinks the way they speak - watch me
Can I have a glass of H20 please barmansays Bill
Oh, I see how this workssays Geff.
Can I have a glass of H20 too.
Well yo' mama's got 67 protons
She's a Ho
Well yo' momma so ugly not even fluorine would bond with her
I heard that Oxygen and Potassium went on a date last night
How'd it go?
Apparently it went OK
But I'd heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are together!
Oxygen and Magnesium are actually together! OMg!
Didn't Oxygen experiment with double dating a while back?
I don't think she's going to do that again!
With Nitrogen it was a big NO NO and with Phosphorous it was just POOP
But the biggest news is that Carbon's .... not at all picky
Yeh, I head that everyone wants to date her. What about Hydrogen(?) - didn't they have a special thing?
Hydrogen did not take it at all well - chilled to absolute zero.
How's he coping?
He's 0K now
Have you seen Fluorine lately?
Carbon got rid of her!
She was too attractive
How's it with Nickel and Cerium?
They're NiCe together
Gossip is that you, Helium, tried to hook up with your twin
HeHe - that didn't work.
I think you're 50% Copper and 50% Tellurium
So, you're researching semiconductors at Madrid University.
I'm supposed to meet my friend neutrino here - has he been in?
You just missed him. He was here a few moments ago but just passed through.
Oh, well in that case how much for one beer?
For you my friend, no charge.
Spotting his other friend proton at a table he goes over to join him.
How are you doing?
She's gone! My dear electron's gonesobbed proton
Are you sure?said neutron - offering a glimmer of hope.
I'm positivegrowled back proton.
Changing tack, the neutron says
What about those electrons at the next table?
Let me atom.
But on his way over his path is blocked by Helium.
They're my electrons - get lost
No - I think I've going to take both of them from you.says a drunk proton
You take them and I'll give you cancer
Can we have a room pleasethey ask
Certainly. Will you need any help with your bags?asks the receptionist
No - we're travelling light
Do you know exactly how fast you were going?asks the cop
No, but I know exactly where I am.replies Heisenberg
I can't face going to work any more
What is it that you do?asks the doctor
I'm a chemistthe man replies
Humn, I see - what sort of chemist?asks the doctor
I'm a chromotographerthe man replies
So what's troubling you at work?asks the doctor
Well, I keep on thinking that my experiments won't workthe man replies
Ahhhhareplies the doctor
this is quite common amongst you chromotographers
Well what is it?the man asks.
Oh it's nothing serious - you just have separation anxiety
BONUS [exam] QUESTION:
IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic, and will not freeze.