Chemistry Jokes
just to see how you'll  react


Lab Rules

  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • Don't lick the spoon.
  • When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
  • Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
  • Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
 

Chemists do it:

  • .. on the table, periodically.
  • .. with models.
  • .. in an excited state.
  • .. in test tubes.
  • .. in long chains.
  • .. with clamps.
  • .. explosively.
 

Question and Answer

Where does Mercury come from?
Hg Wells
What's a hug without you?
Hg
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't Helium, and you can't Curium, then you might as well Barium.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
Na
Have you want to hear the joke about Nitric Oxide?
NO
Have you heard about hexanitrosobenzene - the new oral contraceptive?
It has "NO" in all six positions.
Why did Helium cry?
Because his family's Argon
H20 is common water but what is H204?
You can drink it, bath in it, do your washing in it, swim in it, etc.
What's the formula for Holy Water?
H2OMG
What's the common name for CH2O?
Seawater
What's the common name for the chemical formula HIJKLMNO?
Water or H2O
What's the common name for Ba(Na)2
Banana
Why are chemists so super optimistic?
To them the glass is always half full of liquid PLUS half full of gas
Why are chemists the best problem solvers?
They have all the solutions
Why are white bears more soluble than brown bears?
Because white bears are polar.
What haunts the labs on the 31st of October?
Methylated Spirits.
Why should you never trust an atom?
They make everything up
What's the charge for throwing Sodium Chloride at somebody?
It's a salt
What's Robin's favourite element?
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Batman, Batman
How can you spot a chemist in the restroom?
They wash their hands before they go.
Why do chemists use nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do you pay a policeman working the night shift?
Copper Nitrate
What do corrupt policemen charge prostitutes?
Copper Tartrate
What the only thing that an upper class, British, subatomic duck can say?
Quark
What do German chemists do with dirty flasks
They put them in the Zinc
 

Quotes

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue
Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile, 1992
A tidy laboratory means a lazy chemist
Jöns Jacob Berzelius (Swedish chemist, 1779-1848)
 

Slightly bigger chemistry jokes

Helium and Gold walk into a bar and the bartender says
A u, get outta here!
Helium doesn't react.
Two Bill and Geff go into a Chemistry bar
Geff - this is a chemistry bar so you have to order drinks the way they speak - watch me
Can I have a glass of H20 please barman says Bill
Oh, I see how this works says Geff. Can I have a glass of H20 too.
Geff died.
Two elements have gotten into a 'dissing' match
Well yo' mama's got 67 protons
Uhh????
She's a Ho
Well yo' momma so ugly not even fluorine would bond with her
Helium and Neon are having a gossip
I heard that Oxygen and Potassium went on a date last night
How'd it go?
Apparently it went OK
But I'd heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are together!
Oxygen and Magnesium are actually together! OMg!
Didn't Oxygen experiment with double dating a while back?
I don't think she's going to do that again!
Why?
With Nitrogen it was a big NO NO and with Phosphorous it was just POOP
But the biggest news is that Carbon's .... not at all picky
Yeh, I head that everyone wants to date her. What about Hydrogen(?) - didn't they have a special thing?
Hydrogen did not take it at all well - chilled to absolute zero.
How's he coping?
He's 0K now
Have you seen Fluorine lately?
Carbon got rid of her!
But why?
She was too attractive
How's it with Nickel and Cerium?
They're NiCe together
Gossip is that you, Helium, tried to hook up with your twin
HeHe - that didn't work.
Chemist goes up to a girl at a party
I think you're 50% Copper and 50% Tellurium
What????
100% CuTe
Chemist goes up to a girl at a conference
So, you're researching semiconductors at Madrid University.
Si
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender
I'm supposed to meet my friend neutrino here - has he been in?
You just missed him. He was here a few moments ago but just passed through.
Oh, well in that case how much for one beer?
For you my friend, no charge.
Spotting his other friend proton at a table he goes over to join him.
How are you doing?
She's gone! My dear electron's gone sobbed proton
Are you sure? said neutron - offering a glimmer of hope.
I'm positive growled back proton.
Changing tack, the neutron says What about those electrons at the next table?
Let me atom.
But on his way over his path is blocked by Helium.
They're my electrons - get lost
No - I think I've going to take both of them from you. says a drunk proton
You take them and I'll give you cancer
A pair of photons arrive at a hotel
Can we have a room please they ask
Certainly. Will you need any help with your bags? asks the receptionist
No - we're travelling light
Heisenberg's visiting America and decides to go on a sight seeing drive. No sooner as he's about the leave the city than he's stopped by a traffic cop right in front of the sign that says 'Austin City Limit'.
Do you know exactly how fast you were going? asks the cop
No, but I know exactly where I am. replies Heisenberg
After years of sexual frustration Heisenberg's wife got a divorce. Apparently, when he had position he lost momentum and when he had momentum he lost position.
A bloke goes to the doctor and says
I can't face going to work any more
What is it that you do? asks the doctor
I'm a chemist the man replies
Humn, I see - what sort of chemist? asks the doctor
I'm a chromotographer the man replies
So what's troubling you at work? asks the doctor
Well, I keep on thinking that my experiments won't work the man replies
Ahhhha replies the doctor this is quite common amongst you chromotographers
Well what is it? the man asks.
Oh it's nothing serious - you just have separation anxiety

BONUS [exam] QUESTION:

IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic, and will not freeze.