Lawyer Jokes & Quotes

One liners

  • There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge
  • Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor
  • The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name
  • It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
  • A man is innocent until proven broke
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal
  • People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made

Question and Answer

Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!
What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving train?
Never enough.
If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
A law firm.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes

A bit of revenge

What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer


The public regards lawyers with great distrust. They think lawyers are smarter than the average guy but use their intelligence deviously. Well, they're wrong. usually they're not smarter.
F. Lee Bailey
I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance
Melvin Belli
... ours is a sick profession marked by incompetence, lack of training, misconduct and bad manners. Ineptness, bungling, malpractice and bad ethics can be observed in court houses all over this country every day ... these incompetents have a seeming unawareness of the fundamental ethics of the profession
Chief Justice Warren Burger
The more laws, the less justice
Marcus Tillius Cicero 106-43 BC
I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is
Roy Cohn
In England, justice is open to all, like the Ritz Hotel
Lord Darling [Robert Charles Henry Darling] 1849-1936
The trouble with law is lawyers
I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer
Robert Frost 1874-1963
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
Jean Giradoux
Lawyers spend a great deal of time shovelling smoke
This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice
Oliver Wendell Holmes 1809-1894
The trial lawyer does what Socrates was executed for: making the worse argument appear the stronger
Judge Irving Kaufman
Don't be humble - you're not that great.
Golda Meir
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
David Mellor, British Conservative politician.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them
Henry Louis Mencken 1880-1956
The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws
Ayn Rand 1905-1982
It is lawyers who run our civilization for us - our governments, our businesses, our private lives... We cannot buy a home or rent an apartment, we cannot get married or try to get divorced, we cannot leave our property to our children without calling on the lawyers to guide us. To guide us, incidentally, through a maze of confusing gestures and formalities that lawyers have created... The legal trade, in short, is nothing but a high-class racket
Fred Rodell, Professor of Law, Yale University
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer
Will Rogers
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers
William Shakespeare: Henry VI (Part 2)
The legal process, beacuse of its unbridled growth, has become a cancer which threatens the vitality of our forms of capitalism and democracy
Lawrence Silberman
JUDGE: I have read your case, Mr Smith, and I am no wiser now than I was when I started
SMITH: Possibly not, My Lord, but much better informed
JUDGE: Are you trying to show contempt for this court, Mr Smith?
SMITH: No, My Lord. I am attempting to conceal it
JUDGE WILLIS: You are an extremely offensive young man
SMITH: As a matter of fact, we both are, and the only difference between us is that I am trying to be, and you can't help it
FE Smith (Earl of Birkenhead) 1872-1930
Nobody has a more sacred obligation to obey the law than those who make the law
Sophocles 495-406 BC
It is not wisdom but authority that makes a law
Thomas Hobbes 1588-1679

Slightly bigger lawyer jokes

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here?
Sure do, replied the bartender.
Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.
Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No sir, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.
You are a cheat! shouted the baristers to his opponent.
And you're a liar!, bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, Now that both baristers have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case shell we?
A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, Are all lawyers treated like this? He was answered, We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer said.
Give me the bad news first.
Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.
That's the bad news? asked Malborn incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news.
The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
Aren't you also going to have a drink? the doctor says.
After the police get here. replies the lawyer.
Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients were the easiest to operate on.
The first doctor says Germans, because everything inside is neat and orderly and always in its place.
The second doctor said Japanese patients, because you open them up and all there is is a circuit board to interchange.
No! No! You're both wrong, said the third doctor, Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're gutless. The only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer.
Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done.
I don't care how it looks, says Lucifer. I'm not doing anything.
You have to, says St. Peter. It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed.
I don't give a fig for any contract, says Lucifer, as you should know by now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything.
You have to, insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you.
Sue me? cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?
Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?
  1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
  2. Lawyers breed faster.
  3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
  4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for Engineer brain?
3 dollars an ounce
How much for (other generic profession) brain?
4 dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain?
100 dollars an ounce.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
Yes, Bubba, sure is true. responded the lawyer.
And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?
Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
A doctor vacationing in Martinique was surprised to meet an old university friend that had gone on to be a lawyer. What are the chances? So what brings you here? he asked. The lawyer replied, Oh, some years back I bought a big property in Spain, well it did not go so well and a couple of weeks ago it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here? The doctor replied, Oddly enough, I invested in some properties in Mississippi. Well a few months back the river overflowed, I thought I'd lost the lot. Very stressful time, but the flood insurance finally paid up and here I am celebrating. The lawyer looked puzzled. That's quite amazing he said, how do you start a flood?
A man goes into a bar, he's really pissed off. He sits down and orders a beer.
What's wrong? The barman asks him.
Lawyers are assholes! he exclaims.
A huge redneck sitting next to him gets up, prods him on the shoulder and slurs, Mister, ah take exception to that!
Looking him up-and-down the man is confused. Why? Are you a Lawyer? he asks.
Nope! replies the redneck. I'm an asshole!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
  • The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
    1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
    2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
    3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
  • NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.


  • 372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
  • 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
  • 372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
  • 372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
  • 372.05 It is unlawful to shout 'Whiplash', 'Ambulance', or 'Free Scotch' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
  • 372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
  • 372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
  • 372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
  • 372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
  • 372.10 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
  • 372.11 Bag Limits Per Day
    1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
    2. Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
    3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
    4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
    5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
    6. Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
    7. Cut-throat - 2
    8. Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
    9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
    10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
    11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian - 7